Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*