[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?