a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Bringing home a sharpie
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”