[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.