Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.