Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
12653.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Steam Forums
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*