Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me