I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You Might Also Like
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Never forget.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!