Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.