What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’m sorry…what?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Left at a local drug store…
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Just had my nails done!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase