I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
What flavor cupcake are these
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!