Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
This why you should mind your business
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.