Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you