gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
i love meeting boys on tinder
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Life cycle of cat
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.