My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.