[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother