Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’ve been drinking.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?