Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”