A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.