[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Word!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
me hitting on a model
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
mechanics be like
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”