“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.