I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Succinctly put.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Holy crap this is wonderful
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.