One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.