I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
every single time
“TGIM!” – My liver
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator