(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.