Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
You Might Also Like
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”