Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”