Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism