job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am