Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
What the dentist sees
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.