Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
the three branches of government
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”