Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*puts words between two asterisks*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside