Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24