“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
🤣🤣🤣