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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.