*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Put this video in the Louvre
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*