As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Never ghost your hitman.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
he was correct
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Meow
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.