I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
the greatest twitter interaction
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Cake safety first. Always.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.