A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
You Might Also Like
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!