If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.