My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier