He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property