I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe