Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“no gods no masters” = leo
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son