me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons