I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
You Might Also Like
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
yeah 😭
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.