I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer