I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo