“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.