You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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Love this guy
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Stop sending me this shit.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Friday
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea